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Self reflection (Leave me alone?))
Saturday, March 26, 2005
hmmm... now iz like 9 only and i act wanna go slp at 8 plus... haiz... i dunnoe wad i want lah... i dun understand myself... look at the curtains hmmm i teared for like no reason and iz like non stop... all the time i tell myself to love myself more.. but it seems to be like no use? and each time i just continue to hate? myself more? neh*
i'm sick of studying le... study for the whole day for like no purpose though i've completed like three modules.. so shitty* hmm bu tnth got in so iz like study for show? but recently this tot of going over seas to study iz like so wow.. iz my wish and goal... how i wish i cld.. but haiz... then tot of many things tonight... tot of my times when in sec school... hmmm i still rem sec 1 was like so shy... then blah blah... then after sec4 the period of time working for dad was horrible.. coz lots of thingy happen and i face human true colors...then i was like told to be the accountant for like one month.. and i got to answer all phone calls and cope with the pressure??? pple chasing after me? sad ah... then i saw failures... i think i'm just too weak lah... all the while when iz comes to coping and dealing with my own stuff like family matters or r/s thingy... i always cry.. haha tt's the way i express my feelings... for my sis she's too cool and calm... my bro violence... my dad someone with far sight my mum... no comments...
toking bout r/s... hmmm met pple who really loves me but i din treasure... pple whu looks damn good but rotten guy? tog coz i'm not strong enuf... next i'm blinded by love? and i'm treated all so suckish.... DAMN... all the prev were all not long... bless ya guys...
then dunnoe then i met this guy when i still in a rotten r/s which i assumed tt i love the guy for so much... i still can't forget the stuff he did to me.. iz like so shitty... putting the ex photo at his bedside? CRAP* steal stuff in school?? bloody hell bastard... going out with the ex like some xiao bai lian? i wonder how can i tolerate ah... then blah blah.. iz sad for a while but soon i let it go... coz i was back to myself ... friends are still the best afterall... hehe* then ya we started msging? which dunnoe how he got the number... then blah blah... then we got tog...in btw happen lots of thingy... iz like all the small matter and iz all bcoz of the mood swing has causes both parties unhappiness.. each time iz so ....argh* scars u noe... then ya
until know i still cannot forget the day i ran up the stairs after dad scolded me...tears* iz like since young he's someone whu i respect most and looks up to... then iz cause of my bloody hell sister and my stupid mum... and i'm just helping my mum to convey some msg coz of the stupid dog... so ever since tt day iz all like a gap btw us.. so ya... now he's not in sing.. so hmmm working hard for the family which we think the sing company cannot make it? my sis sent the resignation letter but was like rejected... haha..* damn man...
the tot of after exam i got to go look for work iz so wow.. and so argh*... i'm scared of rejection? interviewS? hmmm if i work it'll be perfectly good coz i can pay for my own phone bills... may give some money to mum... and lighten her load... act she say she wanna go work.. iz like so NO WAY man.. she's been hsewife for 20 years she can't cope lah... hmmm... so ya... then my sis she's not contributing much... then bro... hmmm he got his care to pay so ya... haiya... sometimes dun even see the importance of studying so hard but w/o a degree i can't do much? SICK*
but then dar he's unhappy for the tot tt i wanna go work... but i have to... let's just see how things go lah... i dun even noe wad i've entered for this entry just all the tots that i have on mind are all there le? i'm wondering have i changed? haha maybe yesh? hmmm* wadever it is iz only when i'm with dar i'm so happy and is only the him can make me feel so sad down in my heart... friends they helped me to forget my troubles and they bring laughters to my life...
growing up make me realise many things ah! hmmm family thingy? separation? break ups?iz so hard to have a perfect family u c... iz like if ya live in a wealthy family u might not be happy and blah blah blah... iz like argh* can never be satisfied ah... i wonder when i'll be able to be like tt kind of peep to be happy with wad i have? but iz like not good pple will have good thingy... Sam iz such a nice ger... but when i see into her life.. iz like why GOD has to be so unfair to her... ain't the one gona help her? or izzit iz like all the obstacles to highway of happiness.... this gonna be never ending.... i shall just end here!
BLESS ME...
everlasting? kissed /
- Saturday, March 26, 2005
